“The church must say it is sorry for not having behaved as it should many times, many times — when I say ‘the church,’ I mean we Christians, because the church is holy; we are the sinners,” the pope said. “We Christians must say we are sorry.”
Following the statement Catholics and Republicans everywhere awkwardly looked around and agreed ‘not our pope.’ Going on to accuse the Pope of politicizing a situation that should be handled at a state level and talking openly about something icky. After hearing the news, much hated-GOP figurehead Ted Cruz fell over and began to pray. He would later declare that God spoke through him and said we need more ‘Read American Values.’
When asked if he didn’t feel Catholics should adhere to statements from the Vatican, Cruz rose up and flew over to Hillary Clinton and revealed her to be a lizard person.
Later that day Obama proclaimed himself a covert Jihadist and blew up the white house.
On Monday, Donald Trump will surrender his Nazi gold after speaking with Brian Williams during an exclusive NBC interview where he will finally declare that he is both Elvis Presley and Hitler. When we reached out and asked what Elvis has to do with Nazi gold, the Trump public relations team was unwilling to comment.